Inside: 5 common causes of childhood stress, and 4 strategies you can use as a parent to help your child manage stress in healthy ways.
This story starts, as always, with coffee.
I was in line at Dunkin Donuts, thinking about what I wanted to get done today. We were on the beach for a long weekend, but being the type A person that I am, somehow I still wanted to get some things accomplished and was starting to feel a bit stressed about it. As I’m waiting for my precious beverage and mentally rearranging my to do list, I overhear a father ask his son:
“What do you like about being down here?”
His son pauses for a moment, then replies: “I’m not worried or stressed about anything.” His father took a minute to respond and then said something along the lines of “That’s good, I’m glad you like it down here.”
I wondered what made the father pause for a minute. Was he stunned by his son’s response? Perhaps he’d never heard his son say that before.
That comment made me pause too. Why was I making myself stressed out on vacation? And how were my own kids feeling?
It may be hard to believe, but just like adults, kids can get stressed. Obviously, grown ups have a lot of stresses and worries, like money or work or bills or illnesses in the family. These stressors can also have an impact on kids.
Kids worry about their family’s finances too.
They worry about whether or not their family has enough money, or if a parent has to get a second (or third) job to make ends meet.
Kids worry about sick family members.
If you as the parent are caregiving for your own parents, your children see that. And they can get worried.
Kids get stressed about school.
There’s lots of talk about homework and classwork and standardized testing. Depending on how competitive your school system is, kids can also feel immense pressure to perform, to get into the Ivy Leagues. When kindergarteners are talking about applying to college, something is wrong.
Kids get stressed with busy schedules.
These days, if you’re not careful, your kids can also have really crazy schedules. There are so many “extras” you may feel pressured into scheduling for your kids - gymnastics, swimming, soccer, baseball, math tutoring, STEM activities, etc. It’s overwhelming. And if a kid sits in a class all day long, then gets shuttled around after school every day and never gets any down time, they’re going to get stressed.
Some kids are more anxious than others.
While some kids may manage stress well, others need more support to figure out how to relax, calm down and handle these feelings in healthy ways
So what can you do?
Take a look at your family life and re-prioritize
If you have a child who is talking about stress and seems overwhelmed, sit down and talk with them. Figure out what’s going on. Are they struggling with homework? Do they hate ballet? Look at where you can cut back on scheduling. Kids NEED downtime and time to play. Actually, everyone, kids and adults, need that.
Spend some time together doing something fun.
Maybe it’s going to a museum or playing a board game. It doesn’t have to be fancy. In fact, it may be better to keep it low key. Read a book, do a mad libs together, or build with LEGOs.
Find opportunities to speak to each other or write to each other.
Take them out for a special one on one time and connect with one another. It doesn’t have to be big long conversations. It could just be a quick breakfast or a walk after dinner. It could be a question in line waiting for coffee. For some kids, speaking face to face is hard. If that’s the case, try to talk with them when you are driving somewhere. Or you could try starting a shared journal - my daughter loves ours.
Set a good example.
One of the best things you can do is show your kids different ways that you handle stress (that aren’t food or alcohol related). Do you like to knit? Does it relax you to do crossword puzzles? Do you like to dance? When YOU are stressed, do something that helps you calm down. Take a minute and explain to your child why you’re doing it.
As I walked back to my car, I shifted my thinking about the weekend. I decided to leave my to do list alone and instead work on my latest crochet project. And I’m going to invite my kids to relax with me.
